Miscarriage and Loss

Miscarriage and Loss - this is a term that is all too familiar to me and in my life. Finding out I was pregnant made me ecstatic, nervous, stressed, elated - every emotion under the sun. I just knew my daughter, who is my youngest, would be in love. My son, who is the oldest, has been there done that. He is like an old sole at times. He loves babies, loves seeing them, as does my daughter. I was excited in the sense to have a new addition to our family. But somehow, deep down, I knew this wouldn't be. A few weeks before miscarrying, I told my husband that I just knew that this wasn't meant to be; that I would not be able to carry this baby to term. He told me to not worry about it, that the more I thought like that then the more likely it would happen. When the day came that I was cramping terribly and my ultrasound yeilded no baby, I just knew that it was my fault. I knew that because these were my thoughts that this is why this happened. As I lay there, crying, waiting for the news that I knew was coming but wanted to deny was realistic, I knew that this was it.
Having to wait to see the doctor was the worst. I already knew I had no baby in my stomach, why did I need to see the doctor? For him to tell me what I already knew? This was shear torture, punishment. I did not want to talk to anyone, see anyone. I just wanted to go home and go to bed and just cry. Fourty-five minutes later, in walks the doctor. With his sincerity, he quickly rushed through the appointment that I did not want and sent me to the lab. There, they were not able to draw blood, sending me to the hospital. After four sticks with a needle, finally drawing out what needed to be taken, I would then return to that place four times for the same thing every other day - as ordered by my doctor.
Through all of this, I remember what it was like losing my first baby on Christmas day of 2005. You become depressed, people ask you what is wrong, you become a pin cushion. People solicit advice on how you should feel and why you should be thankful to of miscarried early. Why you should be thankful to already have two children.
You begin to lose yourself after a while.
People don't know that this advice is hurtful. I felt like saying that this was my baby, whether it be six weeks of six months along, it is still my baby. I am mourning because I just lost my child. I love the two children I have now, but I also loved the babies I lost, too.

I am better than what I once was. I can get through a day without crying. I can get through a day without wondering what could have been.

My Two Angel Babies

♥11/11/2010, 12/25/05♥